You can consider this a corollary to the Twitter Manifesto, but this is gonna be less like a list of rules and more like a rant.
I’m depressed. We live in a digital social media-based society, and I’m starting to worry that everyone has self-esteem issues. Is that why we must document every thought on Twitter, or every moment in a photo on Facebook or Instagram? Do we have such a lack of confidence in our own human social skills that we need to artificially create topics to talk about? Then the next time you see someone you can be like, “I saw you did this on Instagram, that must’ve been cool!” But what I really have a problem with, what really grinds my gears, is people begging for likes on their Facebooks. Let me round up the usual suspects:
DONE WITH EXAMS! TIME TO DRINK TONIGHT WHO’S WITH ME???
I went to college, and grad school. I know what exams are, and I know how much they suck. What I don’t need is you telling me how liberated you feel to be done. Congratufuckinlations. I either go to school with you and am not done and now hate you, or I don’t and don’t give two shits that you are done. Why do you feel the need to inform the world that you have been emancipated from the shackles of school work? Once again I think it’s a low self-esteem issue. People will just ‘like’ this comment out of habit. “Oh that’s a great feeling, I should like that!” WRONG. This comment adds no value to anyone’s life, and was only put on this earth to garner more likes. Fuck you.
Well…I’ve decided. I’m gonna be spending the next 3 years at Penn Law/Goldman Sachs in New York/working for Teach for America in Phoenix/on a Fulbright in Argentina!
Listen, we can all be proud of our accomplishments, but this is bald-faced bragging of the highest order. The only reason to write this on Facebook is to get comments like “Congrats!!!” or “can’t wait to hang in the city next year!” or “OMG you’ve gotta try the cuisine everyone loves that they’re known for! Chicago? DEEP DISH <3” [buckeye: Complete aside, but as someone who lives in Chicago now, your Facebook “friends” admonishing you to try deep dish in Chicago know JACK SHIT about Chicago. Thin crust is what Real Chicagoans eat. This commenter—along with every other one who says something along the lines of “eat at this great restaurant on Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica”—is just as horrible as every other person discussed here.] There is literally no other purpose to writing that comment. All your close friends and family already know of your decision because you told them like an actual human being. Now you’ve decided to brag to the rest of the world. And don’t try to justify it by saying you are just informing people about what you’re doing. Trust me, you aren’t that awesome. People aren’t waking up in the morning wondering “I wonder what Brian is doing for the next 2 years. But I’m not close enough friends with him to ask him. I sure hope he posts a Facebook status update so I can find out!” The world is gonna keep on turning whether or not you post that update. Trust me, people may ‘like’ your status, but they secretly think you are a fucking twat for writing it.
Interview tomorrow…hope it goes well!
This is kind of similar to the last one, but now all you’re looking for is comments saying “good luck!” or “show ’em that big Pritchett smile!” Listen you fucking fuck, just go on the interview. That’s what people do, they go on interviews for jobs. You’re not special for doing it, and if you have friends, then they hope you do well because they like you. You shouldn’t need to write this on Facebook to have the peripheral masses of your friend group wish you good luck. Try to be a little less needy for attention than a high schooler with an eating disorder.
6:30 SoulCycle, 8:00 work, 12:00 lunch with client, 6:00 yoga class, 7:00 happy hour, so tired from a busy day!
Facebook is not your daily calendar. For that matter it shouldn’t be used to appraise people of what you are doing EVER. Are you hoping people see your busy schedule and react with shock and awe, “Wow I really need to get my life together, look at what Jess is doing!” No, what they are thinking is, ‘who the hell does that person think he is and why does he think people care?’ THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING. So the next time you think about posting something like this, or any of the other topics I went through, just don’t.
Unless…and this is what I’ve realized these last few days during exam/graduation season. Do people actually need these words of encouragement? Is this boosting their spirits and turning their dial up to 11 to give them the kick they need to succeed? I really hope not, because that would be truly pathetic.
So if you are in your 20s, your Facebook use should be limited to essentially a few topics: memorializing photos, posting funny articles/videos, and checking to see whose birthday it is. THAT’S IT. If you want to talk to someone, use a real world communication. Other than that, get the fuck off my news feed so I can continue creeping on girls far too young for me in peace.