11:10 bp: Christ, it’s over. Time to watch the best show on TV.
11:09 bp: WOW BREAKING BAD WON. THANK FUCKING GOD. Like me, Vince predicted House of Cards! Vince is a genius.
11:06 bp: Not sure why Modern Family got to win when it won one award, but I’m done caring. Modern Family‘s creator isn’t done caring, apparently, because he has the stones to bitch about not winning more awards, as if Modern Family has never won awards.
10:56 bp: Cumberbatch is in this category? Cumberbatch is number 2 on the power rankings only to Fassbender. But Michael Douglas don’t care, and HEY NOW he can use sexual innuendo!!! Whoda thunk? Michael Douglas is just gonna talk about sex the whole time. He, like Jon Hamm, is a god. And I ate lunch next to him this summer. Shoutouts to his imprisoned son and to his wife, and it bears repeating that the pickup line he used on CZJ was “I want to father your children.”
10:52 bp: Somebody tell Michael Douglas to stop performing cunnilingus back stage! His award’s up next!
10:48 bp: Ellen Burstyn wearing the curtain we just replaced at my house.
10:47 bp: Congratulations Steven Soderbergh, you are the most accomplished person in this category. EMMY FOR YOU! But unlike Fincher, Soderbergh is there! Retirement, baby! You think Nicholson is gonna quit going to the Oscars or doing coke even though he’s retired? Fuck no.
10:45 bp: Leave it to CBS to give Jerry Bruckheimer a shitton of money to create a 15-part miniseries the summer he lost his first-look deal with Disney!
10:38 bp: Big fan of keeping the audience mikes on so we can judge the popularity of dead people. Lot of love for Larry Hagman!!! And Roger Ebert!! Roger Ebert better be the closer during the Oscars’ death montage. Jim Nantz also shed a single tear each for Ken Venturi and Pat Summerall. (CBS golf joke! Golf and football are the only things I watch on CBS.)
10:36 bp: About to break the rule I just announced to praise James Cromwell’s perfect diction for his pronunciation of the word “indefatigable.”
10:34 bp: Moment of silence during the Miniseries Supporting Actor category for Rob Lowe. I will refuse to post the winner’s name.
10:33 bp: All I know about The Hour is that Dominic West is on it. McNulty!!! He’s out sloshing Jameson right now. I would pay thousands to drink Jameson with McNulty.
10:30 bp: The Mentalist is still a show? CBS really hasn’t changed its lineup since 2002, have they
10:24 bp: So did Tony die at the end, is that what this is?
10:20 bp: All of these choreographers are from only two shows? Where is the fucking Jaws music? That fucking took ten minutes.
10:19 bp: I’m not nearly drunk enough. They still haven’t announced the choreography award.
10:15 bp: More time is being spent on the choreography and variety writing awards alone than all of the acting awards combined. That’s just fucked up. This entire show is a ploy by AMC to get you to watch BB live.
10:12 bp: HOLY SHIT MIKE AND HANK ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND THEY BOTH SPRAY PAINTED “HEISENBERG” ON WALT’S WALL, THEN THEY DROVE TO NEW HAMPSHIRE AND WALT WASN’T THERE. THEY DROVE BACK TO NEW MEXICO TO FIND THAT MARIE HAD STARTED STEALING SHIT AGAIN, SHE ROBBED THE LOCAL TOY STORE OF ALL THE PURPLE TELLYTUBBIES (THE GAY ONES!). SHE PLACED A CAMERA INSIDE ONE OF THE TELLYTUBBIES TO MONITOR HOLLY BUT WALT HAD ACTUALLY TURNED THE TOY INTO A BOMB AND KILLED MARIE AND MIKE AND HANK (AGAIN).
10:09 bp: There are awards for choreography? This show could easily last like five minutes.
10:05 bp: Colbert’s awesome. Can’t complain. And he’s right to point out that this is probably the worst awards show I’ve ever seen.
9:59 bp: Congratulations David Fincher, you are the most accomplished person in this category. EMMY FOR YOU! Fincher appropriately communicates his disdain by not showing up.
9:56 bp: Hey, I got one right! I’m not happy about it, because it’s for Homeland. Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy are like the power couple of people playing insufferable people on television.
9:55 bp: Robin Wright should win for best neckline.
9:51 bp: HOLY SHIT WALT JUST WENT TO GRETCHEN AND ELLIOT’S HOUSE, BOUND AND GAGGED THEM, AND THEN TOOK ALL THEIR MONEY FROM THEIR SAFE BEFORE EXECUTING THEM IN COLD BLOOD. JESSE TRIED HANGING HIMSELF WITH THAT ROPE TODD USED TO TIE HIM UP, WHILE TODD LAUGHED, BUT THEN FLYNN ARRIVED AND USED HIS CRUTCH TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF TODD AND FREE JESSE. (This might actually be happening.)
9:43 bp: Are we getting a Newsroom flashback episode this November about the JFK assassination? WILL MCAVOY HAD IT FIRST! YOU FOOLS THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO SHOOTERS!
9:41 bp: Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Was Toosh the only person who voted? He’s the only person I know who watches The Newsroom. Can’t believe Aaron Sorkin didn’t climb on stage to give his two cents about the Pope (so hot right now!) and rapprochement with Iran. Sorkin NOT a fan of women priests.
9:38 bp: Bobby Cannavale! What?! I’m like 0-10. I quit watching Boardwalk Empire halfway through the first season, which was BOOOORING. But I’ve heard good things about Bobby Cannavale’s performance from my buddy Seidner, among others. Why don’t we get clips of the performances like during the Oscars? I don’t watch like half of these shows. He’s married to Rose Byrne? Well played, sir.
9:35 bp: The first good award in an hour, Drama Supporting Actor. BUT WAIT! We need a self-congratulatory speech about the Emmys and RACE. Priorities, people. Where’s Will McAvoy to pontificate?
9:30 bp: Haha, Carson Daly hosts The Voice? I am proud that I have never seen an episode of The Voice.
9:29 bp: Thank you, reality television, for contributing to the downfall of American society. Your winner is The Voice!
9:26 bp: I’d honestly be cool if they just posted the list of winners online at this point.
9:23 bp: HOLY SHIT TODD JUST MOLESTED LYDIA’S CORPSE AND THEN BADGER AND SKINNY PETE ACTED OUT THEIR BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN SPEC SCRIPT AND THEN WALT STARTED CRYING. (This might actually be happening.)
9:14 bp: Surprised, but also happy that Anna Gunn won for Breaking Bad, in the best season (and submission episode, “Fifty One”) for Skyler so far. Personally, I would’ve picked the Khaleesi on the basis of the sheer awesomeness of that episode-ending scene where she smote the slaveowners, but Skyler telling Walt that she was just waiting for him to drop dead was some verbal fire-breathing of its own. In other news, I have yet to correctly pick any winner tonight. Did you know Breaking Bad is on?
9:13 bp: Really, Emmys, we’re giving awards to Homeland again? This episode that just won for writing had good scenes between the crazy lady and Brody, and it’s also the episode that introduced the worst plotline of television in the last calendar year—the one where the VP’s kid ran over a homeless lady and he and Brody’s daughter sulked around endlessly. Stop rewarding this show.
9:12 bp: HOLY SHIT WALT JUST SHOT SKYLER AND DROPPED A BOMB ON ALBUQUERQUE THEN HE RICIN’D THE BABY AND NOW HE’S GONNA KNIFE JESSE. (This might actually be happening.)
9:05 bp: Another special musical performance is coming up? Is this the Oscars? GOOD TRY.
9:04 bp: Elisabeth Moss apparently was looking to cook a few shrimp on the barbie in that clip
9:00 bp: I like how this terrible and useless Elton John performance is perfectly timed for everybody to switch to Breaking Bad.
8:59 bp: I missed it, what is the reason we’re watching Elton John right now? Is he paying tribute to Liberace or something? Where’s the dead people PowerPoint? He’s singing what sounds like a hack’s attempt at writing an Elton John song.
8:55 bp: Fun fact, I sat at the table next over from Michael Douglas during a power lunch earlier this summer. Michael Douglas was there, like a boss, with his boys, because his wife is crazy, and because he loves pussy. A friendly reminder that, according to Michael Douglas, the only cure for getting cancer from eating pussy is eating more pussy. Behind the Candelabra is fantastic, by the way.
8:51 bp: Who will be eulogizing Bob Newhart and Al Pacino tonight? At the very least the two of them could use a little help from Rob Lowe’s guy.
8:47 bp: PLEASE NOT JIM PARSONS HE ROBBED STEVE CARELL. FUCK. It’s Jim Parsons. Also another CBS show, which, again, I have never seen.
8:44 bp: Are you surprised that the Modern Family director made a “Blurred Lines” joke as if it were July? Me neither. TIMING!
8:43 bp: Of course Louie doesn’t actually “direct” actors. Louie is the man.
8:38 bp: Congrats to Julia Louis-Dreyfus on her 21st Emmy. GREAT JOB to bring Gary up there to hold her clutch and remind her who to thank. (Anna Chlumsky in character, too.) She deserves to win just for that, and for simultaneously saving the show so far. That’s how you win an award.
8:37 bp: Jon Hamm in a white tux, Jesus. Great beard, too. It takes brass to pull that off, and Jon Hamm has brass. Jon Hamm is a fucking god.
8:35 bp: What is Survivor: Blood versus Water? That sounds ridiculous and awful. And brings back memories of the time my buddy G-ross and I watched Richard Hatch’s masterful first-season triumph of manipulation in a 36-hour period freshman year.
8:32 bp: Is Elton John going to be providing the soundtrack for the death montage???? How’s he going to alter the lyrics to “Candle in the Wind” tonight?
8:28 bp: Robin Williams steals jokes.
8:27 bp: Holy shit, Tony Hale? My predictive powers are ON tonight, folks. (They are NOT on). It’s good enough that Modern Family didn’t nab this award (or the Supporting Actress, either), because I quit watching Modern Family years ago, and that’s a mark of when a show starts going downhill. I’m a big fan of Veep and Hale’s (Buster and Gary both); you should watch it, in addition to the BBC series The Thick of It (and spinoff movie In the Loop) from Veep creator Armando Iannuci, which fucking transforms swearing into an art form (and I believe is available on Hulu). Tony Hale’s a sweetheart, apparently.
8:24 bp: Not going to complain if 30 Rock wins a bunch of awards tonight. 30 Rock was great. Tina Fey “cutting off” her minion on the 30 Rock writing staff? Another stroke of brilliance from Tina Fey. People really don’t praise her enough.
8:18 bp: I have never seen an episode of Nurse Jackie and probably never will, but congrats. Bathroom break!
8:16 bp: “Amy Poehler and Tina Fey should never host awards shows.” — Nobody.
8:14 bp: HHHHHWHHHAT it’s Majority HHHHHHWHHHIP Kevin Spacey
8:12 bp: The most I’ve laughed so far was a cutaway to Louis C.K.’s face. Just keep showing Louie’s face. And don’t look at him through a smartphone.
8:11 bp: Was Orange Is the New Black nominated for anything? It should’ve been. I know The Americans wasn’t nominated for anything good, and it should’ve been, because The Americans was the best new show this year, and it has GREAT opening credits.
8:08 bp: I did not laugh once during that montage. Where are Seth MacFarlane’s boob jokes?
8:04 bp: Just going to forewarn you that I have never seen one episode of How I Met Your Mother, or anything that has ever aired on CBS, because I am not bland and not 83.
7:45 bp: I’ll get some predictions out of the way. Because the Emmys has a strong track record of refusing to recognize quality over cavernous stretches of time (see Carell, Steve), I am predicting with a great degree of confidence that neither Breaking Bad nor Mad Men will earn much in the way of hardware tonight. Because the Emmys have a strong track record of an inferiority complex, I am predicting with a great degree of confidence that plenty of “movie people” will leave tonight as winners, even though television has probably been stronger than movies over the last decade (even if The Wire has nothing to show for it). Keep in mind that I have a sub-.500 record picking NFL games this year. My picks (and who I’d like to see win in parentheses):
Drama Supporting Actress: Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey (Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones)
Comedy Supporting Actress: Sofia Vergara, Modern Family (Anna Chlumsky, Veep)
Miniseries/Movie Supporting Actress: I did not see any of them, and I don’t give a shit.
Drama Supporting Actor: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad (Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad)
Comedy Supporting Actor: Ed O’Neill, Modern Family (Adam Driver, Girls, obligatory pouring-one-out for Nick Offerman, Parks & Recreation)
Miniseries/Movie Supporting Actor: I’m not going to guess, but it is an unmitigated disaster that Rob Lowe won’t be winning.
Drama Lead Actress: Claire Danes, Homeland (Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men)
Comedy Lead Actress: Lena Dunham, Girls (Lena Dunham, Girls, or Amy Poehler, Parks & Rec, I don’t care)
Miniseries/Movie Lead Actress: Again, I saw none of these, but I’ll root for Elisabeth Moss despite her Scientology. Hail Xenu!
Drama Lead Actor: Kevin Spacey, House of Cards (Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad)
Comedy Lead Actor: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock (Louis C.K., Louie)
Miniseries/Movie Lead Actor: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra (Michael Douglas or Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra)
Directing, Drama: David Fincher, House of Cards (Michelle MacLaren, Breaking Bad)
Directing, Comedy: Louis C.K., Louie (Louis C.K., Louie)
Variety: The Daily Show (The Daily Show)
Miniseries/Movie: Behind the Candelabra (Agreement! Behind the Candelabra)
Comedy: Modern Family (Girls, followed by Louie)
Drama: House of Cards (Breaking Bad)
7:17 bp: I will be live-blogging the Emmys tonight, solo. kyra actually has a life and is doing something useful with his time, going on vacation. I have no life, a couple papers for which I need to procrastinate further, and couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t give you a written stream-of-consciousness record of my up-to-the-minute thoughts on awards shows. We had a lot of fun with our Oscars live blog from February, and since the Oscars are vastly more important than the Emmys it’s fitting we’re working with 50% strength tonight. I’ll be switching over to whatever red carpet coverage is left after the Jets game is over. I’m well aware that the only thing more embarrassing than live-blogging awards shows is waiting to live-blog awards shows because you want to watch Bills v. Jets. (Actually, there’s something more embarrassing, admitting you’re a Browns fan, which I am.) In any case, I’ll be updating this space tonight, and we’ll have some composed thoughts on the winners (and on Breaking Bad‘s penultimate episode) later on.
Yes, Rob Lowe’s face in Behind the Candelabra will be headlining the night, because it’s bullshit that he wasn’t nominated for that movie. The man deserves a fucking EGOT for that face alone.