11:08 kyra: The Golden Globes makes The Wolf of Wall Street look like it should enter the short films category. Yet another night of gratuitous Hollywood self-masturbation. We can only hope that with 12 Years a Slave’s victory we’ve finally paid our dues for slavery. Good night everyone.
11:02 bp: In sum, a pretty classic Globes. Some weird drunk energy brought by that lush who walked up there to accept her miniseries award, kept alive by Diddy. Your classic random, pointless awards to people like Jon Voight and maybe-good shows that nobody really knows about. But Leo won! And 12 Years a Slave is my much preferred frontrunner to American Hustle where I’m concerned. I was also pleased by Matthew McConaughey’s contributions to the vernacular this evening, as compiled here:
Your final summation kyra?
This bearded guy still runs a plantation in Charleston
10:57 kyra: Johnny Depp is so normal
10:56 bp: I really disliked Dallas Buyer’s Club but I’m not about to get upset at McConaughey winning a damn thing
10:53 kyra: Also let’s not let it get slip past that Leo said Kate Winslet is NOMINATED for Labor Day!? What the fuck? Is the movie even out yet? How did this happen?
10:52 kyra: Fun fact–this is actually a make-up award for McConaughey’s extraordinary work in Failure to Launch
10:50 kyra: Jessica Chastain’s inner thoughts: just get through the 12 Years a Slave Guy’s name and then you’re home free
10:48 bp: Jessica Chastain’s speech is rather…*puts on sunglasses*…tortured YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
10:45 bp: “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio” //stands up//applauds//
10:41 kyra: When whoever that guy was speaking thanked the actors Megan Ellison pointed at them like ‘that’s you guys!’ They’re not children Megan.
10:38 kyra: MOUTHBREATHER
10:34 kyra: Also, when he said “to my friends, you know who you are.” We all know–it’s the pussy posse
10:33 bp: B-b-b-b-ut Leo didn’t make sure we all know that Jordan Belfort is a scumbag! SHAME ON HIM. I would like to amend your earlier statement to read “If LEO stared and me and then said dude we partied in St. Barths my life would be complete”
10:30 kyra: It’s sad that I was so surprised to hear Leo won because he deserves all the awards for so many roles and is criminally under-nominated. Really happy for him, and that was a professional speech. Got all the names down, very composed, lookin like a stud. Bravo sir
10:25 bp: I have seen two episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. They were funny! The non-pilot episode was funnier than the pilot! I don’t think this is some earth-shattering comedy or anything, but it’s definitely better than Modern Family. The lesson is that you must always trust Mike Schur, a true #hero.
10:17 bp: Ryan Howard isn’t fooling anybody into thinking he’s not overpaid or not a famous British director in those fake glasses
10:10 bp: Our buddy Dobbs: “Is Diane Keaton weird or drunk or both?” Both. Lest we keep pointing out what a creep Woody is I’m going to remind you of his unparalleled career with these two videos:
10:10 kyra: Woody Allen couldn’t be here tonight because he was home fucking his own daughter
10:08 bp: Can we get live coverage of Mia Farrow’s Twitter feed right now?
10:04 bp: These people know Woody doesn’t just show up to awards shows, right? What are they gonna do, pull him out of a hat or something?
10:01 bp: Can we start giving Parks and Rec more awards now? That shit was about ten years overdue and the show hasn’t been on for ten years. Shoutout to Ken Tremendous.
#LaborDay going for the classic “Fuck, this prestige film sucks and won’t win any awards so let’s dump it on people at the end of January.”
9:58 kyra: That’s a good peach. #LaborDay
9:56 kyra: When I hear ‘Fare Thee Well’ I can’t help but smile thinking about Inside Llewyn Davis. It was a phenomenal movie and I can’t recommend enough that everyone see it.
9:54 bp: I know nothing about any of those animated movies but the dude they just thanked as the songwriter wrote Avenue Q and helped Trey and Matt out with Book of Mormon so it’s got that crossover appeal of the two Broadway shows I like. Still animated though
9:53 kyra: I say pretty confidently that Chris Pine is my least favorite actor in Hollywood.
9:51 kyra: I actually am really enjoying the James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell reading text messages commercials. They’re funny both because the concept of these two great voices reading them is amusing, but also because the texts actually sound real. Great job by Sprint.
9:43 bp: If The Great Beauty is any indication every Italian male over the age of 40 is having bunga bunga parties. I have it on sources that Berlusconi’s are the best but during the 2 weeks of every year when he’s in jail it helps to know the lay of the land. Diddy probably has the scoop!
In all seriousness the Globes actually does the foreign language category waaaay better than the Oscars, which has all these convoluted rules.
9:42 kyra: Thank you to Orlando Bloom for doing your own hair tonight.
Also, based on the 1 second clip of The Great Beauty I assume it’s about Berlusconi’s bunga bunga parties.
9:36 bp: I still have not moved past episode 4 of Arrested, which is the point I was at when I wrote about it this summer. My parents like Brooklyn 99 at least, so that counts for something.
9:34 kyra: Seeing Jason Bateman nominated only reminds me of what an abortion Season 4 of Arrested was. It was legitimately a chore to watch.
9:32 bp: Spike Jonze asking David O. Russell for editing help is such a dicey proposition. Good thing the dude went to Soderbergh, or Johnny Knoxville.
9:21 kyra: SPOTTED
9:20 bp: Ok we’re at the American Hustle montage segment; I have plenty of snark in my back pocket for when the time’s right, but I want to share Amy Adams’ effusive praise for Megan Ellison. Nobody has ever put unearned money to great use like patron saint of good movies, Megan Ellison.
9:18 bp: I love when directors talk to actors about their work and say complete bullshit like “create her out of marble if you want.” Robin Wright really took the note Fincher. Relatedly I am way more excited about House of Cards then I ever expected to be. How is Robin Wright going to bring the environmental lobby to its knees?
9:17 kyra: It seems as if Kerry Washington forgot her white hat tonight. BAM nailed the Scandal joke.
9:11 bp: Dat stache
9:07 bp: Julie Delpy NOT pleased by RDJ’s dismissal of her great movie as a sequel. Nor should she be
9:05 kyra: SHAM ALERT SHAM ALERT RAY DONOVAN JUST WON A GOLDEN GLOBE
9:04 bp: Jon Voight’s award is the funniest tonight. After realizing we shouldn’t waste more than a dozen words on Ray Donovan this summer we had the idea to just post Jon Voight’s most ridiculous homophobic and racist slurs from the previous night’s episode. They were just slurs for the sake of being slurs, and they were so incompetently delivered. God, don’t watch Ray Donovan.
9:00 bp: I just want to register that I had the complete opposite reaction to the 12 Years a Slave score. I was SHOCKED to find out it was composed by Hans Zimmer. The score had a quirky percussive quality but wasn’t as overwhelming as Hans Zimmer’s normal DUH DUH DUH GAME OF THRONES DUH DUH train wrecks, in my opinion. Maybe that’s just me.
Let’s agree that Diddy should stay up on stage the rest of the night as the peanut gallery though. Major credit to him and Jacqueline Bisset for encouraging the boozing tonight. And to his St Barth’s composer buddy for being sky high
8:57 kyra: Diddy is so hammered. In other news, I want to be Diddy
8:53 kyra: If Diddy stared and me and then said dude we partied in St. Barths! my life would be complete
8:51 kyra: 12 Years a Slave is a powerful movie, but the score by Hanz Zimmer is fucking terrible. It sounds just like the score from Inception, which shockingly was also written by Hanz Zimmer!
8:49 kyra: No John C. Reilly, your voice doesn’t make taxes ‘cool’ or ‘fun.’ On that note, why isn’t there an IMDB of commercials so I know who does all the voices and stuff!
8:47 kyra: Did anyone else think when Aaron Paul got up there he was gonna thank Breaking Bad for enabling him to get the hottest woman on Earth to marry him?
8:46 bp: I like how the HFPA admirably waited until the Emmys people decided it was fit to start giving Breaking Bad some hardware. You’re right, huge missed opportunity by Vince there re the bolo tie.
Also please tell me what on Earth Jim Carrey, Bradley Cooper, and Joaquin Phoenix have in common that they might actually sustain a conversation with one another. I’m legitimately scared to find out
8:43 kyra: Shocking that Breaking Bad hadn’t won a Golden Globe up until now, which just shows how worthless the Hollywood Foreign Press is. As our buddy Dobbs pointed out, this was truly a missed opportunity for Vince Gilligan to carry Philip Rivers’ mantle from this afternoon and rock a bolo tie.
8:39 bp: Paula Patton just singlehandedly proved that cotton candy is alive and well as a ballpark commodity, or alternatively she forgot that the James Franco Wizard of Oz movie already came out. I’d ask Robin Thicke for his thoughts, except it’s not July.
8:38 kyra: what the fuck is Paula Patton wearing?
8:36 kyra: And here we see Jonah Hill’s improv acting skills….wait a minute, you can’t even improvise an introduction to your own goddamn movie?
8:32 kyra: Holly Hunter’s part notwithstanding, it was a well acted and shot miniseries. The series carries a dark tone, emphasized with the colors blue, gray, and black, which feature prominently. Seeing an American play an Aussie is interesting for a change, but I didn’t think any of the ground covered in the story was novel in any way. Numerous of the ‘twists’ you can see coming, so I’d say if you have the time go for it but you’re not missing anything riveting. I really don’t get how Andy Greenwald has it as his #1 of the year. I would still like to see Broadchurch, and True Detective which debuts tonight. The dark, cops-search-for-a-killer drama has been driven into the ground recently, so given that those are both out there I’d advise trying out one of those.
8:31 bp: kyra I know you were a fan of Top of the Lake. I watched the first episode but was already weirded out by Holly Hunter, who is fucking weird. Should I keep watching the next six?
8:30 kyra: Bono is such a fucking punchable face
8:27 kyra: Watching elizabeth moss struggle to get to the stage is RIVETING
8:26 bp: I’m going to use the miniseries category to take some stock of what we’ve seen so far. To answer your question kyra, I’d rather Behind the Candelabra get renominated every year because it’ll probably be superior to any miniseries, plus I like being reminded that Michael Douglas is cancer-free. I’d also like to offer an apology to Lupita Nyong’o for misplacing the apostrophe in her name. But I will not apologize for favoring her even over my girl J-Law, with whom I would disagree that David O. Russell is a genius. David O. Russell is crazy, but I’m not sure he’s a crazy Van Gogh style savant or anything. American Hustle made no sense. It was like he had no idea what he had planned so he told some talented people in ridiculous haircuts to yell at each other.
8:23 kyra: As one of 3 people in America who saw more than 1 of the things in this category, all I will say is that this Globe was won on star power alone. On a different note though, doesn’t it feel like Behind the Candelabra came out like 5 years ago? How is this still nominated for shit?
8:19 kyra: dear God…
8:17 bp: And RIGHT ON CUE is this completely liquored up Scotslady. I have no idea what she was nominated and damn it she’s gonna slur right through the play-off music to give us some hair stylist recommendations
8:14 bp: Another problem with this early start time besides the interference with football is that it starves the actors of another hour they spent getting liquored up. J-Law was not nearly drunk enough during that speech. I like my Golden Globes winners stumbling up to the stage rather than faking nervous energy. Also Lupita N’yongo (I’m sorry now for any spelling errors) should be racking up in this category.
8:11 kyra: How horrible a decision was Kerry Washington’s to marry Nnamdi Asomugha? I haven’t seen a career fall that fast since Greg Kinnear began starring in Rake.
8:07 kyra: Just wanted to chime in. I just got home because sorry America I was watching football. Not waiting with bated breath for the fucking Golden Globes to start. The Globes, we must remember, is the stupidest of all major award shows. No one really cares about who wins because no one cares about the voters, but the speeches are always better than the Oscars because 1) people get hammered, and 2) its before the Oscars so people are more surprised if they win. I don’t want to drone on, so I’ll just start by saying hopefully Amy and Tina can deliver like they did a couple years ago. //takes 5 shots
8:01 bp: Amy with the uncalled-for shot at straight guys who actually clicked away from football early. I don’t appreciate it. But I have zero shame about doing so.
8:00 bp: This ballroom is STAR-FILLED, ok.
7:58 bp: NO MORE MATT I NEED AMY AND TINA. I love how “Amy and Tina” has already become synonymous with “great hosting”
7:56 bp: Amy Adams’ boobs are two of the best Method actors working today. Still in character!:
I don’t watch E! so apologies if he’s one of Joan Rivers’ fashion police toadies
7:50 bp: Haven’t seen Lena Dunham yet. Assuming she’s wearing designer Buck S. Naked
7:45 bp: Hayden Panettiere is currently proving the absurd correlation between incredible hotness and an incredibly, incredibly boring personality. JUST CAUSE VLAD KLITSCHKO LAUGHS AT ALL YOUR STUPID JOKES DOESN’T MEAN I WILL
7:41 bp: Let’s all remember the shining rays of comedy Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will be hosting again tonight. A reminder of their true brilliance can be seen in last year’s opening monologue (Unfortunately there is an ad, but I am too busy to look for another version. It is so worth the 15 second wait to hear them mock Quentin Tarantino’s sexual fetishes):
7:30 bp: Okay so we’re getting started with the live blog here. First let me comment on the poor timing—there is no reason for the Golden Globes to start within a half an hour of the football game ending. What if there’s overtime? It’s a crappy game, but still.
Some more logistics to get out of the way: the Golden Globes “celebrate” both television and movies, and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT kyra and I write about both. kyra’s top ten TV shows of the year can be found here; my top ten movies that I just published like eight minutes ago can be found here, or you can just scroll down. I also posted my review of Her today. Again, you have your choice of clicking on it or scrolling down.
Let me begin the SNARK-FEST by noting how insulted I am that they’ve forced J-Law to converse with Matt Lauer. They should not let anybody speak to Matt Lauer. And I like how NBC has given up on re-branding Matt Lauer as anything other but the cunning Machiavellian prince of morning talk shows is particularly hysterical. He looked like a cruel bastard in those sunglasses.